"...So there I was up with my Father (he art in Heaven, always was), when it was decided that I should go to Bethlehem to possess this poor slave-woman, Mary. Well, the possession didn't work out so hot and suddenly there I was, being born. I swear, guys, I'm the worst lesser demon ever. I guess I just kind of took over her uterus or something, but it wasn't so bad. A little cramped, but I could otherwise do whatever I wanted and didn't have to pay rent or anything. Once I was out, I tried to pretend I didn't really know what was going on, but man did it smell like animals in that place! And noisy, too! There were three guys bringing me incense, this kid with a drum (and let me tell you, he got the ox and the lamb in some kind of uproar), and worst of all they were all staring at me. I mean, really, all I wanted was some rest. Birth sucks, you know. And my head was killing me. I feel bad for Mary, for sure, but most of all for Joseph. The poor guy hadn't even plugged his wife yet and here I was, proof of divine intervention and immaculate conception. Talk about bad timing on my part. Joseph was pretty cool about it, though.
"I was both revered and treated like an outcast at school. I don't know how. May have been some sort or doublethink on everyone else's parts. I got beat up a couple times, but good old Pop would come down and cast a blight or plague or something on their houses and the bullying stopped eventually. What with one thing or another, ten years passed.
"My teenage years, though. What a crazy ride that was. I was trying to grow this cool beard, but all I could get was stubble. Horrible stubble. I can't even begin to tell you how many pairs of sandals I outgrew. Togas, though, are a man's best friend, especially if the ladies are sporting. Sorry, Rover, your ticket's punched on this one. Before I knew it, I had turned 18 and my beard had come in. I felt like a real man. At least, I finally looked like one even if I still had some years to prove that I was one. Big Papa upstairs wasn't inclined to let me back home until I'd proven my worth, though. So I started using my powers. Mostly just to change the way people thought. I never thought anyone would believe me when I told them I was the son of God, but they ate that up like the fish and loaves. The water-to-wine trick was a good call for credibility, too.
"All through these times, good and bad, I had my twelve buds with me. My homies, if you will. They kicked around through thick and thin. I loved those guys. We did everything. I remember the day I sent Jack (that's what I called him. He had some crazy name I could never remember) to the market with some money to buy the loaves and fishes and the kid came back with it alright, but admitted to having been tempted to pocket my change. I forgave him. What kind of messiah would I have been if I hand't? A no-good one, I'll tell you. I know he wouldn't have done it, yellow-bellied coward that he was. Loved that guy. Too bad about him in the end.
"About the end. Everything went crazy at some point. People were in a frenzy to meet me and lick the dirt off my toes or something and it was getting hard to deal with. But meet the masses I did. Good thing I didn't come down with leprosy or something. Anyway, me and the guys had this huge dinner one night. Now, we had this tradition: whoever sits down last gets crucified. For real, crown of thorns, nails, big old crucifix, spear, the works. That's how I got these scars. Everyone thought I was dead and they all took me down an entombed me. Put a huge rock in front of the entrance and all. I spent the whole weekend in there, just laughing. I really should have got to the table faster. I got out (with a little help from Dad) and everyone was shocked. Then the Old Man decided the game was up and let me come home.
"Great place you guys got here. Pass the beer nuts? God bless you, man. HA!"
I swear I heard him say this.
*disclaimer: I may not have actually heard this straight from Jesus. Someone might have told me or I heard it on the news or something. Anyway, I missed some stuff and I'll fix it over the next week or so. This is probably my favourite thing I've ever written. I've never tried so hard not to laugh in the middle of class my entire life.
Yesterday, I was walking out of the school behind these six girls. They were being all girly and junk and whatnot, but the crowning moment was when all six of them screamed at the same time at something they saw on the ground. I was very tempted to yell out 'that better not have been a worm you morons were screaming at!' but I didn't. What I did do was get in my car and drive past where they were walking when they screamed. No worm, no froggie or anything (it was raining). HA IT WAS A SQUISHED RAT!! really, its bum was flat right on the ground and it was very obviously a squished rat. Looked like it fell asleep just as a car came at it. Oh boy I wish I had gotten a picture of it. It might still be there.